


Yes, it is he (but not as you know him)

by sundaze (LegaciesandMemories)



Series: All aboard the angst train [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders as Paranoia, Dark sides being themselves, Derealization, Dissociation, Fluff and Angst, Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Inappropriate use of German, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kinda Sympathetic Remus?, Logan Needs A Hug, M/M, Panic Attacks, Platonic Remy/Roman, Post-Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?, Protective Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Remy as his sassy self, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, That trash man is beyond saving, Worldbuilding, but it's barely there, depersonalisation, from Logan and me, pls stay safe I love you guys, spoiler: They both get one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:14:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22035382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegaciesandMemories/pseuds/sundaze
Summary: It's simple.Each core side has a way to fight emotional upheaval. Roman, with his inexhaustible determination. Patton, with pure unfettered Optimism. Virgil, with natural coping mechanisms against anxiety and a nature of protection.Unfortunately, Logan can't 'logic' his way out of this one.----Or, Logan learns he's not quite as unemotional as he thought, Virgil gets tired of Logan's shit, Roman begins learning a new language, Patton tries to be a supportive dad, and Remy is sick of them all.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: All aboard the angst train [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586059
Comments: 16
Kudos: 87





	1. Error 404

**11:37 PM June 23rd, 2017**

For the fifth time that week, Logan lurched out of bed to continue scribbling away at his whiteboard. 

Ever since Thomas graduated college, Logan could sleep well 97.82% of the time. Gone were the long nights of studying until his eyes were sore, or cranking out a paper last minute, due to Thomas’ ineffective procrastination methods. With a mix of meditation, puzzles, books and an amalgam of sleep-inducing teas, Logan was almost always asleep promptly at 10 PM. 

He couldn’t understand the others. Patton, who believed cookies and milk were best served fresh in the middle of the night at 3 am, would start pulling out baking supplies at midnight. Historically, he would rope in whoever was closest to him to help with the process. After three too many late nights of baking snickerdoodles and not being able to fall asleep until 4:30 due to the sugar coursing through his system, he allowed Roman to be the de-facto volunteer for that “project”. Roman stayed up until at least midnight anyways, taking a 2 hour shower and singing the entire time. Logan was glad his corner of Thomas’s mind was soundproof; he needed the silence to fall asleep at a proper hour. 

But this week...this week was a  _ gross _ anomaly.

Logan had continued his routine as usual. He brushed his teeth at 9:00 PM, took a 15 minute shower, and conjured a warm cup of chamomile tea. From 9:30 to 9:45 he allowed himself some time to play Sudoku as he finished his drink, and at 9:45 he settled into bed, taking a page from the 4-7-8 method of breathing to finally get some rest. Thomas had a long day of research ahead for his next video, and Logan wanted to be prepared. 

But once again, he could not fall asleep. He tried the military method, he tried lowering the temperature in his room by 5 degrees, he even tried listening to soft classical music, but it was to no avail. 

_ If I don’t get enough rest Thomas will not adhere to my productivity plan and finish his work by his deadline, let alone do any solid research for his video. If he doesn’t finish his work he will have increased anxiety about the finished product, and concise information will not be conveyed. I must stay attentive. _

Logan didn’t have time to waste. 

He began scribbling a list of the topics Thomas needed to research, and tried to put his thoughts into a singular concrete document. Conjuring a cup of over-caffeinated coffee, he sat down at his desk. He had work to do. 

**9:16 AM June 24th, 2017**

Logan’s head was pulsing with information and pain, but he finished his research. He swayed at the printer as he produced enough reports for his fellow sides. He was going to be ahead. He was going to be  _ useful.  _

His brow wrinkled. That wasn’t a normal thought, but he couldn’t remember why he should be alarmed. His brain desperately needed rest. Logan scribbled a note to himself to research more effective sleeping methods, and walked into the bathroom for an invigorating shower. 

_ Maybe he could go to bed earlier? No, that would disrupt his circadian rhythm, and Patton insisted on social gatherings like movie nights and dinners on a regular basis.  _

_ He could try aromatherapy, or melatonin supplements, or maybe a sleep mask? No, sleep masks have not been proven significantly effectiv- _

5 minutes into the shower, he realized he brought his notes in with him. Logan cursed at the sodden research and dispelled the papers. He wasn’t being careful.  _ He needed to be more careful.  _

**1:47 PM June 28th, 2017**

**“** -king we should talk more about psychological research behind belonging. What do you think, Logan?” 

Who was talking? Logan’s eyes refocused, and he found the group staring at him. He had handed out his report for the video, and soon everyone’s voices seemed to coagulate. He hadn’t slept in almost a week, and his hands were starting to tremble slightly. Virgil and Patton had different shades of concern on their face, while Roman’s face donned moderate annoyance. He decided to take his chances. 

_ I need to sleep.  _

“I… apologize, I didn’t follow. Could you repeat that, Roman?” Now, the whole group seemed worried. Logan mentally berated himself. 

Roman’s brow wrinkled. “I wasn’t the one talking, Shrill Dry and Silent Guy. Why are you so quiet today?” 

"Nothing. I merely wanted to gather data from everyone before I decided to speak." he finished lamely. Roman's eyebrow cocked. Logan shifted uncomfortably. 

"Since when? You never shy away from expressing your opinion, no matter how unnecessary it may be." Logan glanced at Patton, who was also conveying a concerned expression. 

"Is everything alright Teach? We need your head screwed on straight for this." Logan's brow furrowed. 

"My head is correctly and anatomically attached to my body, I'm not sure what you mean." Roman's eyes rolled. 

"Alright, well since you're fine, do you think we can add more psychological research?" Virgil asked.

Logan coughed lightly and nodded. "Of course. I will gather further research and report back to you at our follow up meeting. Now if you'll excuse me-" Logan sank out before anyone could stop him. 

**3:23 PM June 28th 2017**

Logan sat down with some fresh biscuits and Crofters. Maybe he needed a break. He just needed to give his brain time to cool down, and he would be able to rest. 

_that's what you think._ _this is probably the end for you. Even the others are doubting your competency. You're losing your touch,_ teach _._

Logan grabbed a nearby book to begin some leisurely reading.  _ The Murder of Roger Ackroyd  _ was his alltime favorite novel. If anything could calm him down, it would be Agatha Christie’s words. He flipped to the first page, and began to read. 

“on Mrs a Ferrars night of the died 16th-17th the September - Thursday.”

Logan blinked, and rubbed his eyes. The words of the book seemed to smear themselves on the page.

“Mrs. September died - on the Thursday night 16th Ferrars 17th of the a.”

He clenched the book tighter. 

“17th Thursday night on the died - a Mrs of the 16th Ferrars September.” 

With a frustrated scream, Logan ripped the book in half. A wet sensation on his pants directed his eyes to his favorite jam, spilled all over his desk and clothes, with biscuit crumbs quickly blanketing the floor. 

Logan’s eyes began to fill. He dispelled the mess and hurriedly took off his glasses, slamming his hands on his eyes. He would  _ not  _ cry over this buffoonery. 

_ Look at you _ , the voice in his head sneered.  _ Can’t even read correctly and can’t even eat without making a fool of yourself. I’m surprised you haven’t faded already- how can  _ you  _ be Logic?  _

Logan pressed against his eyes harder, and screamed. He couldn’t do this anymore. He  _ couldn’t do this.  _

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. 

“...Logan? Are you alright?” Virgil’s voice was almost too soft to be heard. Logan held his breath. He couldn’t be seen like this. He scrubbed his eyes, adjusted his tie, and stumbled over to his door, twisting it open. 

Either Logan’s mind was betraying him, or Virgil’s eyeshadow looked deeper than ever. Virgil’s head cocked as he scanned Logan’s face, before coughing slightly. 

“I, uh, heard you scream, and I wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Hello Virgil. I’m fine, I’m just… practicing primal scream therapy, as an alternative method to stress. Please, don’t be worried.” Virgil gnawed on his lip, and began twitching his fingers. Logan sighed softly. 

“If you’re sure…” Virgil gripped the sleeves of his hoodie a tad tighter. 

“I am. If that’s all, I should be getting back to-” he pointed back to his room. Virgil nodded and left. 

Logan felt a twinge of guilt. Since Virgil had become a part of their group of sides (or Fam-ILY, as Patton loved to correct him), he walked around as if they were going to banish him to the other sides, like he wasn’t a part of their fold. 

Virgil was the most… logical to him. Unlike Roman or Patton, he was more of a realist, and thought through every situation, even if he skewed negative most of the time. 

It didn’t matter, though. Logan could figure out this mess on his own. He didn’t need anyone to witness his folly any longer. 

**71:14 DM Jeune 39st, 3027**

“Ew!! What is that?” Logan looked up to see Remy peering at him over the dining table. 

Sleep didn’t come around as often. He stayed with the other personifications of Thomas that weren’t core personalities or Dark Sides, like Thirst and Hunger. Unlike Thirst and Hunger, however, Sleep had befriended Roman, and the two spent most of their time gossiping and screaming. Logan didn’t need this now - he had tried to fall asleep last night using melatonin gummies, only to wake up 3 hours later from a nightmare he could barely wake up from. All he wanted was some peace and quiet.

“What is what, Remy?” Remy took a long sip from his ever-present Starbucks cup, before gesturing at Logan. 

“That. Your face. It looks disgusting. When was the last time you slept, Easter?” 

Logan was too tired to think of a retort. 

  
  


“I couldn’t get back to sleep last night, that is all.” Remy gave him a dubious look, before grabbing an apple. 

“Yeah, I’m calling bullshit. Not even Anxiety’s eyes have that many bags after 1 night of shitty sleep.” Logan winced inwardly. He had tried to look as refreshed as he could. 

There was no explanation he could find for his new insomnia. He had tried every relaxation method he could, every sleep tactic, every Epsom salt bath, every meditation trick he could find. Nothing was helping. He was desperate enough to ask Remy for help. 

Logan’s thoughts were cut off by Sleep shaking his now empty cup. Remy waved a hand at him. Logan instantly felt 10 times sleepier. “Whatever, I’m not your mom. Figure it out before it affects Thomas. Where’s Prince Charming? Thomas met this cute German guy a few days ago and we need to discuss strategies for winning him over.” Logan tried to roll his eyes, but had no energy to. 

Roman rose up seconds later. “ _ Endlich! Ich habe auf dich gewartet!”  _ Logan and Remy turned to him in bemusement. 

The creative side puffed up his chest. “What? I’m trying to learn German! We will woo this man in no time!” Roman and Remy’s conversation soon descended into verbal cacophony, and Logan found himself edging out of the kitchen and back up the stairs, away from the screaming. 

His head was pulsing. Nothing felt real anymore, from the stairs underneath his feet, to the banister he kept ahold of. He floated slowly up the stairs, and the colors of the hallway seemed to wash out from the comforting earthy brown tones he was used to seeing, to an ethereal, hazy white. The color change made the hallway leading to the dark sides that much darker and sinister, but from this celestial white at the core sides, he felt far away from any harm and danger. He could hear a drum that seemed to come from his chest, but he couldn’t see the drumsticks. He tapped the rhythm on his stomach absentmindedly. 

_ Bum. BumBumBum.  _ “...Logan? Are you okay?” The voice was in surround sound and echoed around him, drowning out the quickening drumbeat. Logan looked up to the fluorescent light of the ceiling. 

“God? Is that you?” Maybe this was apart of Thomas’s Catholicism. Maybe God could explain the drum. 

_ Bum. BumBum. Bum.  _ “What? Logan I think you should sit down.” Logan shushed the voice. 

“Stop! You’re blocking out the drum.”  _ BumBumBumBumBum.  _ Logan was tapping the quickening beat faster now. He was getting good at it. 

“Logan.” There was a hand on his arm. “Logan please, you’re hurting yourself.” 

“C’mon God.” Logan whined. “I’m a rockstar.” He tugged at the arm, and began running to his room. He wondered if the weightlessness he felt was like the angels learning to fly. 

“-gan, Logan WATCH OUT!” 

As he turned back to God, his head thunked into the wall, and the world went black. 


	2. Error 226

_**??:?? ???? ?? ????** _

_ The world looked like a big cotton candy cloud.  _

_ Everything around him was colorful and soft, and he bounced on the trampoline-like floor happily. He wanted to know why they were so bouncy. He wanted to know why there were so many colors. In any case, he could do this forever.  _

_ “Hi!” he jumped at the voice behind him and spun to greet the visitor.  _

_ He had a tuft of chestnut-colored hair, light brown eyes, and slightly tanned skin. He smiled brightly at him.  _

__

_ “Who are you?” he asked. He never had a friend before. He never noticed that he was the only one here until now.  _

_ The boy’s face furrowed in thought. “I...I don’t know.” The boy looked at him in confusion.  _

_ “Do you know who you are?”  _

_ At that moment, the clouds fell out from beneath them, and the world seemed to pass as they fell. Birds that had never existed chirped at the boy and his new friend, bees and butterflies filled the air, and the world was suddenly alit with sounds the boy had never heard before. Flowers and ponds dotted the floor below them.  _

_ The boy wanted to see everything. He wanted to see it all.  _

_ They soon landed on a grassy plain, surrounded by the prettiest flowers he had ever seen. He wondered how they got their color, how they stayed so bright and beautiful. He watched bees jump from flower to flower. He wondered what they were doing.  _

_ He turned back to his new friend, who seemed to be frozen. He waved a face in front of his friends face, and he was no longer a statue.  _

_ “Look! Everything is so beautiful!” His friend began skipping, running his hands through the long grasses. He followed, but a bit slower. He didn’t want to miss anything.  _

_ “A hill!” His friend crouched down and turned to him.  _

_ “Roll down with me!” He saw no reason not to. He crouched beside the other boy, and on the count of three, they rolled on their stomachs down the wide expanse. His stomach seemed to drop out beneath him, and the world blurred in color. He was pretty sure he got a worm or two in his mouth, but he giggled the entire way through.  _

_ They laughed together at the bottom, giggling until their stomachs hurt. He got up slowly, wiping tears from his eyes. He wondered why laughing made you cry.  _

_ His new friend had leaves in his hair and dirt all over his face. He probably looked the same. “That was so fun! Let’s do it again!” _

_ Before he could agree, his eye caught on two boxes a few feet in front of them. Without answering the other boy, he walked over to the boxes and poked it with a stick.  _

_ “There are two of them, and two of us, so I guess they’re for us?” he said. His friend jumped on one, squealing “PRESENTS!” at the top of his lungs.  _

_ He giggled as he tried to open his own, but found he couldn’t get the box to open. There was no opening he could see, no room to crack it open. He tugged with all his might, but he couldn’t open it.  _

_ His friend seemed to have the same luck, and pouted.  _

_ “Maybe we should switch boxes?” he asked. His friend agreed, and at their trade off, both boxes glowed in the other boys’ hands, before opening with a quiet  _ click _.  _

_ His box had a notebook, a pen, and piece of paper, featuring one word. Once he read it, it clicked into place. This was his name. It  _ had _ to be.  _

_ His friend was jumping up and down, holding what looked to be binoculars. “Wonder! My name is Wonder! What’s yours?” He smiled at Wonder and held out his hand.  _

_ “My name’s Curiosity.”  _

**??:?? ???? ?? 2017**

Logan groaned lightly and cracked open his eyes. 

Judging from the constellations above him, he was in his room, the lights were off, and he could hear muttering behind him. 

“-kay, if he doesn’t wake up in the next five minutes I’ll tell Roman and Patton. Wait no, not Roman, just Patton. But would he like Patton to be all overbearing? He can be a bit much at times...Roman? No, he’d probably brush it off or think I’m joking. Maybe Remy could help...No! He’s already asleep, he can’t do anything for him now. I can’t get the others… the Duke would only make things worse and I can’t get Deceit...”

Logan’s mind raced. “...Virgil?” 

A crash. “Fuck! Sorry, let me grab the light.” In a few clumsy steps, the light was on, and Logan flinched at the sudden brightness.

“Sorry.” 

Logan shook his head of any fog. The skin around his eyes felt too tight, and his back ached, but he felt more rested than he had in a while. Nothing made sense. 

Virgil hovered at the foot of the bed, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie. “How are you feeling?” he asked, running fingers through his already mussed hair. 

“I-” Logan coughed, and immediately there was a cold glass of water in front of his face. Virgil blushed, but held the cup steadily as Logan took his first few sips. His face burned, but the cool water felt amazing on his dry throat. 

“What happened?” Logan asked, looking up to Virgil. All he could remember was being slumped on the dining room table, talking to Remy. 

Virgil placed the cup on his nightstand. “I was going down to get breakfast, and you were walking up the stairs swaying. It was like you couldn’t hear me. You were talking about how you had reached heaven and saw God, and a drumbeat that I’m pretty sure was your heart. You were breathing too fast, almost like you were hyperventilating, and you were  _ shaking. _ ” Virgil swallowed harshly. 

“I tried to ask you if you were okay, and you weren’t really responding. You kept beating your stomach and chest, and then you started running and smacked into a wall. I brought you back to your room and you’ve been sleeping ever since.” 

Logan wanted to disappear. “How long has it been?” 

Virgil glanced at his phone. “It’s July 2nd now, so it’s been about 3 days.”

Logan felt the world drop out beneath him. He needed to go, and  _ try  _ to catch up on the work he missed, and make sure Roman and Patton hadn’t done anything foolish. This… debilitation was taking up too much of his time. 

He proceeded to throw off the covers and walk towards the closet as Virgil spoke up. 

“Logan… what’s going on with you? You don’t seem like yourself lately.” Logan proceeded to file through his shirts and ties. He was glad he didn’t have to turn around to answer-he hated being humiliated like this. 

“I’m fine. I just needed more rest than I accounted for while doing research for our next video.” 

Virgil sighed. The next thing he knew a soft object was thrown at his head. Logan looked down at the floor, and saw his Aristotle pillow. He glared back at Virgil. 

“Listen, I know I’m...new to this, but something’s wrong, and I would appreciate you telling me. I’ve been worried that you somehow got a concussion, or you were unconscious, the past couple of days. I told Patton and Roman that you were doing some research and they seemed to understand, and I don’t like lying to my...friends. I just...knew you wouldn’t want them to hover. I  _ will  _ tell them the truth, though, if you don’t tell me what’s happening with you.” 

Logan sighed in frustration. He supposed he  _ did  _ owe Virgil for helping him. 

“I’ve been feeling… restless, recently. I can’t seem to relax, I doubt myself more, and I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying to figure out methods to calm down, but I still haven’t found one that was effective.” Virgil’s eyes widened. 

“So you’re saying.. You’re anxious?” Logan looked down and nodded. 

“I’m really sorry to hear that. Coming from the King of Anxiety, I know it can be hard to manage. But...I’m also the embodiment of Anxiety. I can  _ help  _ you - if you’ll let me. With the smartest one of us and the most anxious of us, we should be able to figure out what’s wrong and come to a solution, right?” 

Logan frowned. He really didn’t want anyone else to help him at the moment - he was fine and perfectly capable of doing things on his own. 

Virgil coughed. “I, uh, don’t want to force you into anything, but I am here for you, whether it’s to listen or if you want my input. I won’t tell Patton or Roman anything. Also, you woke up just in time for movie night. It’s Roman’s choice, and he picked Princess Bride.” Virgil and Logan both rolled their eyes. Classic Roman. 

“Thank you, Virgil. I think I’m fine to figure things out on my own.” Virgil tugged the sleeves of his hoodie closer and nodded. 

“Okay... Let me know if you need anything.” Virgil popped out of his room, and Logan rushed to the shower. He was refreshed, and he had gotten enough sleep. He would figure out what was wrong. 

**8:25 PM, July 2nd, 2017**

Logan finally came down the stairs after some light research on both belonging and his issues. He had made some progress on the belonging video for Thomas, but not anything else. 

_ Once again, not getting anything right,  _ the voice in his head whispered.  _ Give up the act.  _

_ Snap.  _ Logan grabbed and released the small rubber band on his wrist. In his research, he found that using a rubber band to administer small amounts of pain helped with his focus. The small jolt of pain brought him back to the present. He was determined to focus on the scene in front of him. 

“Popcorn?” Patton asked, summoning a checklist. As discussed, they were all in their onesies. Roman adjusted the ginormous bowl of freshly popped popcorn slightly. 

“ _ Ja _ .”

“Brownies?” Roman rushed to the kitchen and retrieved a plate of the chocolate treats.

“ _ Ja _ .”

“Drinks?” Roman summoned water and wine. At Patton’s disapproving glance, he raised his arms in defense.

“Come on Pat, this is supposed to be relaxing! And uh, red wine is supposed to be good for you! Right, Teach?” Roman’s eyes met his desperately. 

Logan rolled his eyes. He could do this. “In moderation, yes, a glass of red wine a day can be beneficial to your heart health.” Roman cheered as Patton pouted. 

“Fine! Looks like  _ Ja  _ win this time.” Roman rolled his eyes at the pun, smiling. Patton ducked his head slightly, before clearing his throat. 

“Uh, It looks like we have everything, but where’s Virgil? He was with you, right?” At this, both Roman and Patton looked at him, and Logan fought the urge to fidget. 

He hadn’t seen Virgil since he left Logan’s room that afternoon before he sat down to actually do some solid work. The hours passed by quickly, and he forgot about their earlier conversation in the haze of papers and readings. 

“Right here.” Virgil popped into existence on the couch. Patton cheered. 

“Alright, let’s watch!” Patton threw blankets on all of them, before plopping down in the middle of the couch. Roman and Patton sat next to each other, and Logan found himself next to Virgil. He twitched and Virgil looked at him, concerned. 

This was going to be a long film.

**10:02 PM July 2nd, 2017**

“-name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to  _ die _ .” 

“Ugh, I love how it all comes full circle!” Roman cheered as the two swordsmen began to fight, summoning his own sword and nearly toppling over the empty plate of brownies in the process. Patton laughed as Roman began his own version of the sword fighting choreography. 

Logan tried to let the sounds wash over him, ground him in this moment. But nothing could stop his thoughts.

_ You’re the worst side here.  _

_ You should just fade already.  _

_ You’re an embarrassment to the headspace. _

Underneath the blanket, Logan was snapping the band tightly against his wrist. All he needed was a distraction, any distraction to get him out of his head, a space that normally was a safe haven. His thoughts had never betrayed him like this. 

_ Everyone knows you’re the worst.  _ Snap. 

_ You’re not worth it.  _ Snap. 

_ You’re stupid.  _ Snap. 

“Hey, are you okay? What are you doing?” Logan almost jumped at Virgil’s quiet voice. Virgil glanced at him worriedly. 

“I’m fine Virgil.” He could do this. He could get out of this. 

_ Even the physical embodiment of anxiety is calmer than you.  _ Snap. 

_ You’re a wreck.  _ Snap. 

_ You don’t deserve to be Logic.  _ Snap. Snap. Snap. 

“Logan,  _ please _ .” Virgil’s eyes seemed darker. “I’m  _ trying  _ to help you.” 

“I don’t want your help.” Virgil recoiled, and Logan immediately felt a pang of shame. There was no taking back the words. 

Virgil scooted away from Logan, towards the end of the couch. “F-” 

“SHHH! You’re missing Wesley and Buttercup!” Roman glared at them. 

Logan sunk into the couch, snapping at his wrist insistently. 

_ You keep messing up.  _ Snap. 

_ You’re ruining your friendships. _ Snap. Snap.

_ Things would be better if you didn’t exis- _

The band broke, leaving Logan with nothing but his thoughts and twitching fingers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thankful for the response to this! Thank you all!!
> 
> Also, for the Google Translated German (apologies to any German speakers): 
> 
> Ja - Yes 
> 
> Endlich! Ich habe auf dich gewartet - At last! I have been waiting for you. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think :)


	3. Error 502

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for suicidal thoughts and actions, from the 1:45 AM heading. Please be safe and try to take care of yourself as best as possible. If you would like a summary of the events in this chapter, please leave a comment and I'll respond to you.

**12:58 AM July 5th, 2017**

  


Logan glared at the ceiling. Once again, he was struggling with sleep.

  


After the movie, Virgil stomped up the stairs as soon as the screen went dark. Patton and Roman exchanged confused looks, and Logan lied about not knowing what was happening with him. 

  


The next day he barricaded himself in his room, focused on tuning everyone out and trying to get some rest. The sleepless nights were back. 

  


He was tempted to find Remy and ask him to do whatever magic that had led Logan to be so tired in the dining room, but Remy was a monster when he was woken up unexpectedly. The last time Roman tried to wake Remy up before he was ready to, all of Roman’s sashes had been torn mysteriously in the night. No, he couldn’t wake up Remy. 

  


The voice was back and harsher than ever, and the dark room seemed to magnify his thoughts. 

  


_ Useless. _

  


_ Pathetic. _

  


_ Disgraceful.  _

  


_ Unworthy.  _

  


Logan had resorted to using an elastic band, but even that was not enough. If he was being honest with himself, the band was for more than distracting from the unwanted thoughts. He deserved to suffer. 

  


He had exhausted his resources. There was no book he had left unturned, no method he hadn’t tried twice. For all that he knew, he was in the dark. 

  


_ Give up.  _ The voice had changed, seeming darker, but also more truthful. 

  


_ Give up. Stop wasting everyone’s time.  _

  


_ Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up.  _

  


Logan slowly crept out of bed, leaving his elastic band behind. 

  


**1:45 AM July 5th, 2017**

  
  


The light from the hallway was dim, but strong enough for him to navigate the space. He felt like he was floating down the stairs, past the living room, and into the kitchen. His mind was fuzzy and on autopilot, but his hands seemed to know what to do. 

  


The blade was cool, but not jarringly so. He could see himself turning the knife in his hands. It quickly began to heat up against his skin. All he needed was one quick jab, one quick motion to stop the voice screaming in his head. To stop everything. 

  


All he needed was one- 

  


“What the fuck?!” Logan startled, and dropped the knife. The clatter of the blade on the tile jarred him from his thoughts. 

  


Virgil stood in the living room, eyes wide. His whole body was shaking. In a second, he had teleported to Logan, and was inspecting his wrists and torso for injuries. 

  


“I-i’m fine, Virgil.” He could hear himself say. 

Virgil’s jaw clenched. His eyes began to fill.

  


“No! You’re not! You keep saying that and you’re not! I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I won’t leave you to  _ k-kill _ yourself when no one’s watching. I don’t care if you hate me after this. I don’t care if you won’t look at me. But  _ please,  _ just talk to me. I won’t leave until you do.” 

  


The dam broke. 

  


Logan felt himself shatter, and he began to sob into Virgil’s chest. Virgil led them back to the couch, rubbing Logan’s back. He didn’t shush Logan, he didn’t try to talk. He just laid there with him. 

  


Logan’s nerves began to settle. He trembled in Virgil’s arms, and finally, lost consciousness. 

  


**_??:_ ** **?? ????? ????**

  


_ “Look Curiosity!” Wonder shouted at him from underneath what looked to be a lemon tree. Curiosity watched as Wonder began to climb, dropping fruit in the process.  _

  


_ The headspace was as beautiful as ever. Curiosity tried to write down everything he experienced; the temperature, the birds around him, the plants and the ponds. He tried to find an answer for why the birds chirped but didn’t talk, why the weather was always sunny and humid, why the plants never wilted. He hadn’t found the answers yet, but he wasn’t done exploring.  _

  


_ Wonder reached the top, but immediately squawked as the surrounding birds tried to peck at him. Curiosity laughed and tried to sketch the scene in his notebook. He wasn’t great, but he wanted to remember this moment.  _

  


_ Of all the things he had questions about, however, he had finally received an answer. He had seen his reflection, and he looked just like Curiosity, with a bit more freckles.  _

  


“ _ We must be twins!” Wonder shouted. “The wonder twins!”  _

  


_ Curiosity pouted. “What about the curiosity twins?” Wonder shook his head.  _

  


_ “It doesn’t sound as good.” Unfortunately, Curiosity had to agree. _

  


_ They had no destination, but they walked aimlessly through the tall grasses. The headspace never seemed to stop.  _

  


_ Wonder stopped more to look at everything Curiosity had found, and Curiosity kept moving forward with every new thing that caught his eye.  _

  


**3:39 PM July 5th, 2017**

  


Logan was once again back in his room, and met the eyes of an incensed Virgil. 

  


“Fancy seeing you here.” he tried to joke, but Virgil did not smile. He silently passed Logan a glass of water. 

  


“Drink this, then we’ll talk.” his voice brokered no room for argument. Logan longed for his elastic band. 

  


He drank the water as slowly as possible, trying to delay the conversation to take place. What could he say?  _ Sorry I tried to kill myself? Sorry I keep lying?  _

  


At last, the water was finished, and Logan set down the cup. 

  


“Okay. I’m going to ask a few questions. Is that good?” Logan nodded. 

  


“That, down in the kitchen. Do you feel- Have you felt like that a lot?” Logan shook his head. 

  


“No, that was the first time.” Virgil nodded. 

  


“What’s going through your head Logan?” 

  


“I-” there was a lump stuck in his throat. He tried to push through. “Everything I’m doing is a failure. I can’t sleep right or relax right or even focus. I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired and nothing’s working. I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve-” he began to sob, and Virgil wrapped him in a hug. 

  


“Hey, hey - you definitely deserve to be here.” Logan shook his head.

  


“I can’t even perform adequately as Logic. I’m weak. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve being here.”

  


Virgil shook his head, looking close to tears. 

  


“Logan, you’re so important to Thomas and you do an  _ amazing  _ job as Logic. You help the rest of us stay level and calm. I may be self-protection, but you have so much strength of your own. You going through a rough time doesn’t make you less strong - we all struggle with our feelings. You speaking to me right now is especially strong. It’s never cowardly to ask for help.” 

  


“But I can barely function.”

  


For a moment, Virgil stared at Logan, long enough to make him fidget. “We can work on your present issue, Logan. And things will be okay again, for as chaotic as this place can be. You were there for me while I struggled with accepting myself. If you’d let me, I would appreciate being there for you.” 

  


Logan swallowed. “But I’ve tried everything already. There’s nothing that works.” 

  


“Well,” Virgil said slowly, “You haven’t tried letting me help. I have some methods of coping with anxiety that could help you. We’ll never know unless we try.”

  


Logan racked his brain for a rebuttal but could find none.

  


“Logan, it’s okay to let others help you. No one thinks lesser of you.” He sighed and nodded. 

  


Virgil smiled and wrapped his arms around Logan. Immediately he withdrew, rubbing the back of his neck. 

  


“Uh, sorry. And one more thing.” At this, Virgil’s face was aflame, and Logan was wary of what was to happen next. 

  


“Yes Virgil?” 

  


“For the next couple of days, I think it might be best if I slept in your room.” At Logan’s bemused stare, he quickly added, “I’m not your babysitter or anything! Just… I know how it feels to have something inside you tell you you’re worthless, and you shouldn’t be here anymore. In those moments, it can be helpful to have someone to talk to. Please?” 

  


It made sense. “Okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I wasn't sure if I wanted to delete this fic and start over, or just continue. That being said, I may go back and do a bit of editing later. I'll keep you posted! Hope you're safe, healthy, and practicing social distancing :)


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